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Today, i was watching the jersey shore. I realized they are not bros, they are just douchebags

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Beer
The cause of and solution to all of the problems of life.
- Homer J. Simpson

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The awkward moment when your playing hide n' seek and you hide in the shower and someone goes in to take a shiт...

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*gets caught маsтurватing*
Mom: Is this what you do on Saturday nights!? You маsтurвате??
Me: No! I do it everyday

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Mom:
"I heard you failed your English exam?"
Me: WHO TELLED YOU?!

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"Hey come with me to the store."
"No!"
"I'll buy you something."
"Oh, ok"

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Me: I wasn't that drunк..
Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself!
Me: ... And...
Myself: ... And you still are.

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Some mornings I wake up Вiтсhy.
Other mornings, I just let her sleep.

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I sold some сrаск today, the undercover cop liked it so much that he gave me 2 silver bracelets and a ride in the backseat to his club house... We even took pictures

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Brownie in a mug:
1/4 cup of flour
1/4 cup of sugar
2 Tbsp of cocoa
2 Tbsp of olive oil
Pinch of salt
3 Tbsp of water
Mix in a mug and microwave for 1 min 30 sec
You're welcome

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It doesn't matter if you're Black or White, but if you're Orange...

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Let's all pray that Jamaica isn't the first country to get plagued by the zombie epidemic. Cause the last thing we need is zombies that can run at 100mph.

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Mom - "Let me see your laptop for a minute"
Me - throws laptop out the window. "WHAT РОRN!?"

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In just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom. Known as the "Shades of Grey Babies."

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Me: Can i borrow 5 dollars grandpa?
Grandpa: 10 dollars? What do u need 200 dollars for? 5 grand should be enough. Heres my boat and dont tell ur father

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Opinions are like оrgаsмs.
Mine matters most, and I could care less if you have one.

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Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKKAAAA!!"

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My children know they're in trouble when I take off my belt.
Because I'm about to go for a massive shiт.

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