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Вiтсh, if your going to be two faced at least make one pretty

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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor

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Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands...
^ I love telling that joke, it never gets old.

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Best way to deal with prison rаре is to just put it behind you.

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How does Santa keep the weeds out of his garden?
With a Ное-Ное-Ное.

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Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...
He was picking his nose.

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Two zombies were discussing how they were going to go out and satisfy their appetites.
"I think we need to be a little more authoritative and menacing," Zac said. "These potential victims seem to be taking us for granted."
"I don't know about that," replied Hal. "I think a subdued, common sense approach is the better way to go. That way they're more likely to let their guard down."
"I've listened to you take the polite approach when you get the urge to munch on gray matter," countered Zac. "I don't think that gets the job done."
"How so?"
"Well, for one thing, you DON'T ask your victim, 'Can I pick your brain?'"

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I’m well рissеd off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast.
I wouldn’t mind normally, but it was all night long.

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Maybe, if we just tell people that the brain is an app...
... then maybe, they will start using it?

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Why do birds fly south?
Because it's too far to walk.
What did the broom say to the mop?
Duh! Brooms can't talk!

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

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The only 2 states to have legal Marijuana are Colorado and Washington. The 2 best NFL teams are Seattle and Denver. Coincidence? I think not!

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Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says,
"Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

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She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew it seams...

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Gаy jokes are so overused, вuтт fuск it.

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You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.
What are the coins?
One of them is not a nickel, the other one is, a nickel and a quarter.

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A backward poet writes inverse.

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Two strings walk into a bar.
The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.
The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.
"Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

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