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So whats is the one song that transgenders can not claim as their anthem.... Born This Way

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I broke a can opener. It's a can't opener now.

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When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

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They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

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What cooking/seasoning spice herb can be found in the court of law?
A bay-leaf.

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My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

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There was an explosion at a pie factory, 3.14 people died.

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59 years ago I got my first picture taken with Santa, just found out it was with Grandma.

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What did the snowman say when he felt he was misunderstood?
Did you get my drift?

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All haunted houses are the same. I went to one the other night, and heard the standard screams, shrieks, scary sounds and gotchas.
Then I went to another one down the road and it was like "Deja BOO!" all over again.

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Q. What did the cork say to the bottle?
A. “If you don’t behave I’ll plug you.”

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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

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Llllllllllllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg is that long enough for you? It is supposed to be long!

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I recall the days I spent 4 hours looking at sweets in a petrol station.
And then as soon as the shop had no customers I suddenly remembered I needed to buy a роrn mag.

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I am the most athletic skeleton around, no bones about it!

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I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn.

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Three teenage boys were taking a short cut across a church lawn. In perfect view was a large sign which read: Stay off the Grass.
The caretaker yelled to the boys from the gardening shed, "Hey, can't you read?"
The boys paused, looked at each shrugging. Then one of them looked at the sign, still baffled. He cupped his hands over his mouth to form a loud speaker and yelled back, "So who's smoking?"

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What do you call it when part of a windmill is owned by a circus clown?
A juggler vane!

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