Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it.
The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says, "Yes, I know who you are."
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your вuтт."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down, shows him her вuтт, and there is no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why.
His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your вuтт and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your аss before the day was over."
Two blondes were talking in heaven, they were discussing how they died. The first blonde said 'I had a heart attack, my family has a long line of heart disease, I guess it was my time.' The second blonde said ' oh.. I froze to death, it was NOT the way I wanted to die, its too late now.' 'the first blonde asked, 'what is it like to freeze to death?' 'It is cold, but soon its kinda peaceful, once you know you're dying. What happened before you had your heart attack? 'the first blonde answered ' I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I went home early. my car is really old, so my husband probably could hear me pull into the driveway. That give his girlfriend plenty of time to hide. when I walked into the house, it was quiet. I ran up to out bedroom and found my husband watching tv in bed. I could see a glimpse of a вrа underneath our bed that definitely wasn't mine, so I immediately accused him of cheating, and I ran around the house to find the hое. I checked in every room, but when I got to the attic, I had a heart attack that instantly killed me.' the second blonde moaned 'shame, if you had only looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.'
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sеx before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sеx.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."