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News & Politics

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After the recent Orlando nightclub shootings it was my responsibility to deliver the bad news to the victims families.
“I have some good news and bad news.”
“Ok, well… Give me the bad news first.”
“Your son’s gаy.”
“Ok… So what’s the good news?
“He’s dead”
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Нарцисоидната калуѓерка Στο εξομολογητήρι Млада монахиня се изповядва: Някаква жена се изповядва: В църквата... 'Ik heb een ernstige zonde begaan A Maria está se confessando: — Senhor Padre Приходить дівчина до церкви сповідатися. - Я дуже грішна. Щоранку дивлюся в дзеркало і бачу Egy fiatalember gyónni megy a paphoz. - Atyám - Atyám! Bűnnek számít az
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” ….
“What is it, child?” ….
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake.”
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A football fаn in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram.
He ran over and fought the dog and killed it.
A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, “you’re a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fаn saves baby from dog!”
The fаn says, “I’m not a United fаn.”
The reporter says, “Ok, City fаn saves baby from dog attack!”
The fаn says, “actually, I support Liverpool.”
“Ok,” said the reporter, “Ваsтаrd bindipper Murders family pet!”
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When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
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Пари Congressman's Money - Това е обир Грабитель на темной улочке останавливает одинокого пешехода: Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. Eines späten Abends in Berlin wird ein gut gekleidedter älterer Herr von einem maskierten Räuber überfallen: "Los Un político se pierde en el camino. Entonces un ladrón se le acerca con una pistola y le grita: -¡Esto es un asalto Dammi i tuoi soldi! Sono un politico Allora dammi i miei soldi Un ladrón coge a un hombre por la calle. - Deme todo su dinero. - Oiga Um ladrão se aproxima de um senhor posudo e diz: — Me passe já o seu dinheiro. O senhor fica indignado e retruca O ladrão foi assaltar um político: - Passa o dinheiro! - Calma! Calma! Eu sou deputado. - Ah A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But Un rapinatore va da una persona e dice: "Dammi i tuoi soldi!" Ma lui risponde: "Ma io sono un politico!" E il rapinatore risponde: "Allora dammi i miei soldi!". Egy rabló pisztollyal megy az utcán. Meglát egy öltönyös gazdag embert ahogy kiszáll a BMW-ből. - Ez biztos nagyon gazdag.- gondolja. Odamegy a pisztollyal és elkiáltja magát! - Add ide a pénzed! -... Un ladrón a punta de pistola - ¡Esto es un asalto Egy rabló megállít egy embert Presretne pljačkaš sa fantomkom na glavi uglađenog gospodina u novom odelu: - Daj mi tvoje pare
- Give me your money!
- You know i'm a politician, right?
- Then give me my money!
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My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."
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Q: What do you call Vasoline in German?
A: Vienerschlide.
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If соn is the opposite of pro, who's surprised that Congress is the opposite of progress?
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How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it!
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Lawyer Means...
What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician.
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What with all the cotton black people picked during slavery, seems like we should be able to walk in the mall, and anything that's 100% cotton, we ought to get for free.
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A Frenchman and an Italianwere seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the menbegan discussing their home lives. "Ah, last night I madelove to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made mea wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." "Once," hereplied. "Don't stop."
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How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...
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The Tomato Seller!
A man from another country came to the U.S. and learned three phrases.1.Only fifty cents2. Very, very fresh3. Not today, maybe tomorrow. A lady came to his tomato stand and said ''how much are these tomatos?'' The man said ''Only fifty cents''. Than she asked ''are they fresh?'' The man said ''Very, very fresh''. She then asked, ''Can I buy one?'' The man said, ''Not today maybe tomorrow.'' A thief comes and said ''I'm a thief how much money do you have?'' The Tomato Seller said, ''Only fifty cents''. The thief said, ''Are you being fresh with me?'' The Tomato seller said ''Very, very fresh''. The thief said ''Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.'' The Tomato Seller said ''Not today maybe tomorrow!"The moral to this story is: If you go to a foreign country, learn as much of the language as possible!'
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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Ontario:
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold вооzе to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and рее on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
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Top 10 Reasons To Live in New Brunswick:
1. You are sandwiched between French аsshоlеs and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to кill you
8. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
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Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia:
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a моrоn who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Nеwfiе, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sеxuаl pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city
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