Partying & Bad Behavior

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Q: How can you tell if a guy likes Moosehead?
A: By the antler marks on his thighs!

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This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man sitting at the bar. He says, "I just fuскеd your mother and I did it in your bed and I fuскеd her doggie style and I even made her give me a вlоwjов. What do you think about that?"
The other guy says, ''Shut up Dad, you're drunк again."

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The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not?
I'm a fun guy (fungi)!

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As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.
The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."
The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.
The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"

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A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After more shots, suddenly, he has a whole body.
The boy runs out of the bar and gets hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

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A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed - have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.

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A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on."
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

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A drunк man was staggering home with a pint of вооzе in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

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A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunк, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunк or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"

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A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.
"What's the deal?" the bartender asks.
The duck says, "It's opposite day."

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A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of s**t in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

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One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his реnis. Immediately, he went to the doctor.
"I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

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Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One соndом nudges the other соndом and asks, "Hey, want to go get s**t-faced?"

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An Irishman walks out of a bar.

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You got any overdue library books?
'Cause you got fine written all over you!

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Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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