Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he neverlands.

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How come oysters never donate to charity?
Because they are shellfish.

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Why are black people unable to get a PhD?
Because they can’t get past their masters.

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My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.
I said, “yeah it’s pretty straightforward.”

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My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sеx, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sеx outback of the church.

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I went to buy some Viаgrа online but my internet connection was down and it took me two days to get it up.

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What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

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Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.

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Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!

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How do birds fly?
They just wing it!

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Back in the days when he was a community organizer, Obama went to a Halloween costume party. He was just wearing his street clothes, and he had his wife sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume!”
Obama replied, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”
“You’re a snail?”
“Yeah, I’m a snail,” said Obama. Then he pointed to his wife and said, “This is Michelle.”

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“Harry Potter” branded condoms.
“Protect your wand from Hogwarts while you’re Slytherin in her chamber of secrets”.

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What do you do with epileptic lettuce? – You make a seizure salad.

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I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.
I took a lot from it.

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“Waiter, does that delightfully loud band of yours play at the guests’ requests?”
“Of course sir, what would you like them to play?”
“Billiards. At least until I’ve had the chance to finish my dinner in peace.”

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A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”
The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”

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You only love me when you need money!”
“Oh come on darling, you know that I love you all the time!”
“Exactly my point!”

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