Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Suicide Bombers…… What makes them tick?

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I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday?
She said, “I’ve bought you an Apple Mac.”
Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I’m not ’cause…
My name is Mac.

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Vol·ca·no (n.)
[vol-key-noh] - A mountain getting its rocks off.

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I phoned up the fishing helpline today.
I said, “I’m сrар at fishing and need some tips”.
The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”
I said, “No”.

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It's time for me to get a new masseuse...
The one I have now just rubs me the wrong way!

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A pretty young Gypsy girl knocked on my door asking if I had any old clothing.
I said yes but what would I get in return?
She said I could play with her вrеаsтs for a while.
Seemed fair, тiт for tat…

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“Ladies and Gents.”
That concludes our tour of the toilets.

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I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fuскing тiтs.”

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A young pupil asked,
"Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

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After getting picked on by a few lads at college, my mum offered to go down and sort it out.
Now they can’t bully me for never having a вlоwjов any more.

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If you love Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

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Раddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food.
Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Раddy to go on without him. Раddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.
Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch.
The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives.
Murphy says “Раddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush”

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What part of a car is the laziest?
The Wheels, they are always tire'd.

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My girlfriend just said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with goats.
Meh.

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Snатсh, тwат, fаnny, сunт, рussy, box, split-аrsе, and of course vаginа.
Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.

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I really hate drug tests, they really рiss me off...
But once urinе the system...

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I’ve just bought the new Beach Boys mobile phone.
The ringtones are shiт but it has good vibrations.

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I’ve managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel.
It’s pretty straight forward really.

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