Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight. The pointer keeps gliding back and forth between the H and the A.
It’s been over an hour.

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My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.

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I've only got one thing to say about Fruit of the Loom... I'll be brief, but....

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I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the papers jammin’ again.

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I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers…
But there’s no pun in ten dead.

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This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant, …But I’ve never met herbivore!

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I took the Eminem CD I’d bought back to the shop, because there was nothing on it.
“Did you open it?” asked the assistant.
“Of course I did,” I said.
“Well there’s your problem,” he said. “You’ve removed the rapper,”

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My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true.
I watched it all unfold.

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I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a tiny bald patch on the top of my head.
It appeared out of thin hair.

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100 prostitutes are currently in a double blind study of leading toothpastes when used inside the sugar walls of their vaginas. …
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Older prostitutes are particularly interested in finding out which toothpaste is the most effective at reducing cavities.

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Why does Mozart hate chickens?
They always say, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

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Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.
A real worst case scenario.

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Student:
“Wow, I really got into trouble at school today. My teacher had a hissy fit because I couldn’t spell ‘Armageddon.’ ” …
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I said to the teacher, “Hey cool your jets. It`s not the end of the world !!!”

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There was a kidnapping at school today. … …
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Everything’s okay. He woke up.

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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns … It’s a play on words.

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I opened my front door this morning to find a large black coffin.
I gave him a pack of Lockets and told him to fuск off.

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The Overnight Shift at the Bakery is Over and all the bread has been sealed in wrappers and is ready for the drivers to distribute to the stores. …
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We have a few minutes to кill, so we’re just loafing around before we punch out. …
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I have some good вееr here; let me propose a toast.

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My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying wееd. …
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It will be our joint account.

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