Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Just been fined £500 for having a joint in my greenhouse.
I guess people in glass houses shouldn’t get sтоnеd.

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Q:What is in the middle of nowhere?
A:The letter H.

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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

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Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50….
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Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. …
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Riceless.

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One birthday my parents bought me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars Sellotaped to the bottom…………..
Bloody cheapskates.

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I created a new drink called the F5.
It is refreshing

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Don't just tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!

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I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

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I like to smoke whenever and wherever I want. When someone tells me no smoking allowed, I tell them, "No problem, I'll smoke quietly then."

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“This is the last straw!”
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink.

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I walk into a hardware store… …
…
Me:
“Any two-watt bulbs?” … …
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Clerk:
“For what?” …
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Me:
“That’ll do. I’ll take two.” …
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Clerk:
“Two what?” …
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Me:
“I thought you didn’t have any. ” …
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Clerk:
“Any what?” …
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Me:
“Yes please.” …
…
Me: (sigh) “Never mind, just give me four candles.”

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((Sigh)) I would love to get a new BMW i8 It definitely will get the most gals per mile in city driving.

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When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate…
Soup was a nightmare.

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I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box.
Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper.

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A guy at the office was at the water fountain, when his co-worker asked,
"Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a boat in Venice?"
"Yeah - he's gondola better place."

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It took a lot of ваlls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ”Embarrassing Bodies”.
Three actually.

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Flight Attendant:
“Would you like some headphones?”
Me:
“How did you know my name is Phones?”

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I’m sick of people knocking on my door, begging.
There’s just been a woman asking for donations for a sреrм bank……..
I gave her a right fсuкing mouthful.

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