Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.” …..
Either way, he’s behind bars.

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.
Tata.

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.
The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know how to market the paintings I’d bought.
I’ve got more Monet than scents

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What did one Pencil say to the other ?
Your looking Sharp!

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Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances?
The librarian said ” Well, they used to be over there……”

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? …
There was nothing left but de Brie.

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The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

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I wanted to tell you a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punchline.

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I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…”
I thought, “How odd.”

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Did you hear about the dead cabbage?
There was a big turnip at the funeral.

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I still remember the day the dentist removed my braces.
My trousers fell down and he molested me.

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I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination

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My new British girlfriend sort of surprised me the other night when she texted me and told me she was in line to the throne.
Turns out she was in a pub and you know how long the women have to wait sometimes to use the women’s washroom.

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Helpful Tip..
If you are ever cold just stand in a corner…
There normally 90 degrees..

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I asked my friend Jim about our mutual friend Inge. She seemed down and depressed.
Jim answered, "She used to be the 'Веll of the Ball'. But nobody ever tolled her!"

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My math teacher never goes outside..
I can tell, cos there’s no sin of his tan..

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I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

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If it's "I before E, except after C", then shouldn't Albert Einstein be Albert Ienstien?

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