Retirement Jokes

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Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?
A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

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Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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I walked into my grandparents house today and caught my grandad shаgging a young blonde woman on the sofa.
“Fсuкing hеll grandad,” I said, “You promised me that you’d spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed.”
“I did,” he replied, “Doesn’t your nan look great!?”

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President: I can't sign this bill, it's completely absurd. If I turn this into law it will raise taxes by 5 percent and extend the work week to six days instead of five.

Congress: Please note Mr. President on page 5027, under subsection 22, clause B, it exempts all members of the executive and the judicial branches as well as congress for life. Plus we all get a 50 percent raise and enhanced retirement benefits.

President: Perfect, got a pen?

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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RАРЕ (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RАРЕD can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RАРЕD and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SСRЕW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RАРЕD once, SHAFTED twice and SСRЕWЕD as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RАРЕD could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or НЕRРЕS (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or НЕRРЕS will not be SHAFTED or SСRЕWЕD any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RАРЕD and are staying on will receive as much .SНIТ. …(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of .SНIТ. they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough .SНIТ., please bring this to the attention of your Local MP who has been trained to give you all the SНIТ you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for: Economic Value of Individual Lives - E.V.I.L.

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Matilda and Rosie were chatting one day. Matilda had recently moved to a retirement home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?”
“Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “there’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking a cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.”
“Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and (whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur It is. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gаy.”

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An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them Into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that shiт-eatin’ grin off your face.”

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I'm taking Viаgrа and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

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