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A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.
Puzzled the young man asks, “What are you doing?”
The old man replies, “Fishing for сunтs.”
“Sounds good. Can I join you?” replied the young man.
“Of course you can, pull up a pew son.”
The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says, “So, how many сunтs have you caught today?”
The old man replies, “You’re the third this morning.”
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There’s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate”.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says “Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part”.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads…..
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your аss and go as a fсuкing toffee apple, you c*nt.”
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What’s that worthless piece of skin attached to a man’s реnis called? … …
…
…
The man.
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2017.
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A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
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Some people are like a software update .
When I see them I think ” Not now ”
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My job is secure. No one else wants it.
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Tom walks over to his neighbour’s house.
‘Hey Charles, when is your birthday?’ Tom asked
‘Next week, why?’ he replied
‘I need to get you some curtains!’ he said ‘I’m sick of seeing your wife giving you вlоwjовs!’
‘Oh, really?’ Charles replied, ‘When’s your birthday?’
‘August, why?’ Tom asked
‘I need to get you some binoculars.’ Charles said, ‘So you can see who’s wife it actually is!’
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My girlfriend just called me a c**t.
I said, “I’m impressed, ваве; not many people can pronounce asterisks.”
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Why is it everything you buy from IKEA requires assembly?
I bought a pillow the other day and they gave me a duck!
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What’s the most difficult thing to master if you want to become a nightclub bouncer?
Seven hours of holding your gut in.
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My son’s class are having a pyjama day tomorrow…
Great to see the education system is getting them ready for unemployment.
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I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
“Fancy buying me a drink?” She said.
“Sure,” I replied. “If you let me choose.”
“Okay,” she grinned. “But how will you know what I want?”
“Well, it’s kind of a talent,” I smiled. “All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.”
“Okay,” she giggled. “You can choose for me.”
So I turned to the barman and said, “Diet coke, mate.”
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She texted me:
“Your adorable.”.
I replied:
“No, you’re adorable.”
Now she thinks I like her.
All I did was point out her typo!
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I was talking to a girl I know.
I said, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“I fear rejection.” she bluntly responded.
“Well,” I chuckled. “Would you like to come on a date with me?”
“Yes!” she smiled.
I said, “I bet you would. It’s unfortunate you’re not my type, though.”
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In a BMW manual the first page says “Drive like an а$$hоlе” and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.
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Worried about dry skin? Concerned about wrinkles?
Well, visit a burns unit and get some perspective.
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I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen last night.
Ungrateful ваsтаrds! All l said was, for fuск sake hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to.
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