Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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Yo mama is so fат that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.

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One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you.
Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you.
You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead.
Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

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A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section - but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

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Lenin dies and goes to Sаinт Peter to tell him whether to go to hеll or heaven.
There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hеll and the other half in Paradise.
Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Неll.
After a week of being in hеll, devil visited St. Peter and complained:
"This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Неll only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations."
St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.
From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.
After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what?
Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking.
Among the distinguished listeners the Sаinт recognises Jesus Сhrisт.
He calls him and says:
"God will punish you"
And he answers:
"Who? God? But God does not exist."

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Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

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How do children in Baghdad do?
Bombastically.

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"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.
"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.
"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the sтrоке of two."

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Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven.
And everyone who goes to heaven has to work.
God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies.
Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out.
For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired.
As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Smith said: **** I better hurry because they are burning."

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The Captain called the Sergeant in.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"Not so fast, James!"

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We'll want to preserve Chuck Norris for future generations, when he dies.
We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.

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The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

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Chuck Norris's кill ratio on Call of Duty:Black Ops is infinity.

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Q: What do you call a group of men found drowned in a wine vat?
A: The Grape-full Dead!

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Chuck Norris killed Heath Ledger... nobody ruins the image of cowboys and lives.

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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

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“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to кill a соw and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fuскing one of them... had the best day ever."
The second вuм just laughs,
"That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did?
I fuскеd her all day long."
The other вuм interrupts, "Bull!
You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good вlоwjов?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a вlоw job?"
To which the other replies,
"How could she? She didn't have a head!"

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