Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes
Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
He Was A Sаinт ….
…..
Two brothers were incredibly mean - they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it, they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then, one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and said, “You know how much you’ve been wanting to get a new веll tower on the church? Well, if - during my brother’s funeral - you call him a sаinт, I’ll write you a check for the tower right here and now.” Well, the priest thought about it and agreed.
However, during the eulogy, the priest was completely honest about the deceased brother, highlighting each of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the decease’s brother was very angry, as the priest was not following through on their deal. The priest did fulfill his promise, and ended the eulogy with, “but, compared to his brother, he was a sаinт.”
Doctor, I can’t find a comfortable position to sit.”
The doctor examined Harry and said, “I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble sitting; you have a good case of haemorrhoids.”
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, “Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they’re gone. Then come back and we’ll see how you are.
“Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of haemorrhoids.
“Well, ” said the doctor, “Did you use all of the suppositories?”
“Yes, I did,” said Harry. “I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow.”
“For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my аrsе!”