Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
“Pete died. Boat for sale.”

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Knock knock,
Who’s there?
Grandad . .
Shit, stop the funeral!

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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Тrамр asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the тrамр goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Тrамр who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Тrамр. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”
“No, a straw,” says the Тrамр.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Тrамр why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Тrамр replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already.

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My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she’s my hand.

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What’s sicker than kissing you nan goodbye and her slipping a tongue in….
Kissing her, her slipping the tongue in and you getting a hard on.

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My wife bought herself three dildоs.
I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.

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I call my реnis ‘The Pizza’.
It isn’t twelve inches, but it is covered in cheese, and the occasional mushroom.

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What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

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I thought my son would be happy that I bought him a Trampoline,
But oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

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I donated one of my organs to my next door neighbour.
Other people like to call it rаре.

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I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, “Embarrassed about your реnis, hey, lad?”
A bit embarrassed, I said; “Of course not!” And made my way over to the urinаl next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shiт.

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My wife went into labour yesterday.
As I sat there I began to see it’s head peering out. It was at this point I realised that this was it. The rest of it followed the head out with a few almighty squeezes. It was a beautiful moment as I stood up and noticed the sheer size of it. I took a deep sigh of relief that it was finally over.
It was then that I decided to wipe my аrsе and head back in to see how my wife was doing.

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My gran caught me маsтurватing and had a sтrоке.
I feel terrible now although I must say for an 84 year old she wasn’t bad.

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My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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The wife asked me if I’d like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year’s Eve.
I said, “The river would be nice.”

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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.

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April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

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My nan had a heart attack on a bus today. Unsure what to do, I looked around for help. Thankfully on the window it said ‘In case of emergency, smash window’. I did this but my nan still died.

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