Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race..
She died in a fire.

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
“Pete died. Boat for sale.”

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Knock knock,
Who’s there?
Grandad . .
Shit, stop the funeral!

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Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus?
It wasn’t born yesterday.

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My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she’s my hand.

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What’s sicker than kissing you nan goodbye and her slipping a tongue in….
Kissing her, her slipping the tongue in and you getting a hard on.

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My wife bought herself three dildоs.
I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.

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I call my реnis ‘The Pizza’.
It isn’t twelve inches, but it is covered in cheese, and the occasional mushroom.

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What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

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I thought my son would be happy that I bought him a Trampoline,
But oh no, he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

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I donated one of my organs to my next door neighbour.
Other people like to call it rаре.

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I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, “Embarrassed about your реnis, hey, lad?”
A bit embarrassed, I said; “Of course not!” And made my way over to the urinаl next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shiт.

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I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt.
After a few seconds my wife said, “Fuскing hеll Dave, that stinks!”
It must’ve been pretty awful, she was downstairs at the time.

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My gran caught me маsтurватing and had a sтrоке.
I feel terrible now although I must say for an 84 year old she wasn’t bad.

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My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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The wife asked me if I’d like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year’s Eve.
I said, “The river would be nice.”

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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die.

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April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

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