Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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My nan had a heart attack on a bus today. Unsure what to do, I looked around for help. Thankfully on the window it said ‘In case of emergency, smash window’. I did this but my nan still died.

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Went to a bulimic birthday party yesterday. I saw a cake pop out of a girl.

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My mate said to me, “What hand do you wipe your аrsе with?”
I said, “My right”,
He laughed and said, “Don’t you use tissue?”
I said, “No”.

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I went into my aunts room. I saw her lying on the bed not moving. It looked like to me that she was dead, so not wanting to skip a beat I rushed over and fuскеd her.
Right in the middle of it she opened her eyes and said Gotcha!!!!!!!!! What kind of sick вiтсh does that?!

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I had been seeing this girl for a while and she asked how many sеxuаl partners I’d had.
“I’ve been very unlucky,” I said. “Only four.”
“Four?” she replied. “That’s not unlucky.”
“It is when they were Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter and Fred Talbot,” I answered.

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I could hear some moaning and groaning from next door through the wall, so I thought I’d take advantage and have a crafty wаnк. As the moans turned into grunts, I said, “That’s it, keep going. I’m nearly there…”
“Fuск off diскhеаd, I’m trying to have a shiт”, said a voice from the next cubicle.

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Our little Hamster is such a laugh!!
He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until;
*Ding*
Then I take him out of the Microwave.

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There’s going to be a wild party at the orphanage tonight. …
The parents aren’t home.

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My mate asked me if I was interested in going to see The Killers.
I didn’t realise until I got there that it was just the McCanns giving a press conference.

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The inventor of dog treats has died earlier today.
He was a good boy. Yes he was

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I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public.
With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

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I’ve just got back from an undertakers convention and the main topic was new ways of disposing of the dead
There was a lot of thinking outside of the box.

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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks.
AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

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As I cradled my wife in my arms after the car accident I knew that she didn’t have long.
“Is there anything I can do for you my darling?” I said
“Just….. one…… thing..” she struggled to speak.
“Anything. Anything at all” I urged,
“Could….. you….. stop smiling for one fuскing minute?”

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My mates didn’t believe me when I told them I had a date with a sеxy 18 year old girl.
They laughed at me and said she was probably just a figment of my imagination.
Well, the jokes on them, cos they are too.

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What’s the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!

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I parked up at a posh hotel in London last night, I looked out of the car window and saw Michael J Fox, Muhammad Ali & Bob Hoskins standing outside the reception.
I thought, “I’d better put a coat on, it looks fuскing freezing out there.”

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“I’ve been waiting for you.” She whispered as she веnт over pulling up her nighty. “Now get over here and stick it in my аrsе.”
I hate suppository time at Grandma’s house.

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