Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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A skydiving instructor is answering questions from a group of first-time jumpers.
A nervous beginner asks, “so, if my my chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open either, how long do I have until I hit the ground?”
The instructor replies, “you have the rest of your life.”

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Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a рее, I never know if she needs the toilet or she’s just hungry.

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Was watching a documentary about ,Alzheimer’s last night, and my my wife turns to me and says…..
“What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer’s , I think I’ll just shoot myself”.
“I know” I replied, “You said that 5 minutes ago”.

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Swallowing your babies is fatal.

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After my wife had given birth to our stillborn son she held his lifeless, ghost like little body in her arms, turned to me and said, “I think we should pick a name for him.”
Casper probably wasn’t the best suggestion.

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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

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What should you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s НIV positive?
Act surprised.

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LAST REQUEST and LAST LAUGH
In your Last Will and Testament, make sure that everyone knows you wish to be cremated.
When you know you are about to die, swallow as many Popcorn Kernels as you can.

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The inventor of disappearing ink was found hanged in his home early this morning.
In his suicide note to the world he wrote, “

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The bloke who invented the time machine has died.
RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746.

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I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

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Sometimes when I can’t sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a fuскing nightmare.
One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!

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I asked the librarian for a book on the Ebola virus.
She said, “It’s in Siera Leone at the moment, but it should be here within the next few days!”

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I fell asleep in church this morning.
It was the vicar’s fault.
He was just going on and on about how my wife had lived such a good life.

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I said to my mum, “Can you remember when granddad had Alzheimer’s?”
She said, “No, when?”
I said, “Don’t you fuскing start.”

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My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

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Ever been to Jim Morrison’s Gravesite in France? …
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(BTW, Morrison was a fabulous singer-songwriter in his day.) …
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The caretakers at Père Lachaise Cemetery have grown tired because they hav to go every day and clean up his grave, clean up condoms and вееr cans and bottles, needles, bongs and trash all over the place. …
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That’s what’s so cool - You’re still getting kicked out for partying hard, and you’ve been dead since 1971.

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I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
He’s going fuскing nuts trying to hang it straight.

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