Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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The inventor of distorted mirrors has died.
His funeral with be held in asymmetry.

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Do you want to see a murderer? Кill someone and look yourself in the mirror.

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A bloke wakes up in hospital after a car accident. He helps himself to some raisins from a bowl, just as his wife comes in.
“Oh ваве you’re awake! I was so worried!” she exclaimed.
“I’m fine, love” he says. “Why didn’t you get me grapes? You know I like grapes.”
“I did” she says, “you’ve been in a coma for a year.”

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I couldn’t believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday.
We were only halfway through the bumps.

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What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

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What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl?
Seizure Salad!

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I was reading about former baseball stars in America, and apparently Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig’s disease.
What are the odds?

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The other day I parked in a disabled parking space, at my local supermarket, when a car park attendant approached me explaining that the place I had parked in was strictly for disabled people only.
I told him, “I am disabled, I have Alzheimer’s.”
To which he replied, “Where’s your badge then?”
I replied, “I forgot it.”

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My upstairs neighbour made a groundbreaking discovery last night.
He can’t fly.

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Heading down to the Autopsy Club later. It’s open Mike night.

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I’ll never get a steady job.
My girlfriend has Parkinson’s.

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My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.

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My nan is on the front cover of an Alzheimer’s awareness magazine.
Vague.

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My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic..

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The inventor of throat lozenges has died. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

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I went to the psychiatrist I said, “I can hear voices.”
“I see,” He replied, “How many?”
“Just the two at the moment.” I replied.
“And can I ask how often you hear these voices?” He asked.
“Whenever you or I speak.” I replied.

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A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad 'e ate 'er...

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I thought celebrity deaths in 2016 wouldn’t shock me anymore…
Then WHAM!!…

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