Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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I thought celebrity deaths in 2016 wouldn’t shock me anymore…
Then WHAM!!…

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I’ve been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

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The inventor of the соndом died today.
Attendees of the funeral described it as “safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals.”

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My mate asked me if I believed in reincarnation.
I said, “Absolutely. Ever since my wife died I feel like I’ve been born again.”

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I used to know a guy who had the clap so bad, every time he unzipped his trousers, he got a round of applause.

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What do you call an albino on a zebra crossing?
Now you see it, now you don’t.

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Why don’t we hear jokes about Jim Jones, Jonestown and Kool-Aid any more??
Because the punchlines are always too long.

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I was going to tell a great Ebola joke but if you’re not black you probably won’t get it.

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My demented grandad used to sit in his room and stare at himself in the mirror all day.
I thought that seeing a bit of the real world might help him so I replaced the mirror with a window.
Now he just thinks he’s a vampire.

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Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.
Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren’t so hot either.

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From a Toledo Ohio Craigslist:
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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I’ve had some troubles with my воwеls recently, so i went to see a defecation specialist.
He talked alot of shiт.

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I hate my father, he abandoned us almost 15 years ago without so much as a phone call or a letter since.
The selfish ваsтаrd was probably too caught up in his new job at the World Trade Center.

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A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
“Excuse me”, he asks him. “What on earth are you doing?”
“I’m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. “Beep beep!”
“You fuскing nutbar, you’re not in a car, you’re in a mental hospital!”
A voice comes from the bed opposite. “Mate, shut the fuск up will you, he’s giving me twenty quid a day to wash that car.”

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I have CDO…
It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order… as they should be.

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I’ve heard reincarnation is making a comeback.

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As the inventor of the computer mouse has died I can just imagine how his funeral will be.
Drag and drop.

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Thought my Siamese twin was giving me the cold shoulder.
Turns out he was dead.

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