Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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People are like trees, if you chop them with an axe they die.

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Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler.
So the neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting “Give it to me”

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They say that laughter is the best medicine.
Well, I have diarrhoea and it’s making it worse.

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I read with interest about the sad case of the young girl who won her court case to be Frozen but to be honest I just think she should have let it go.

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Tony Verna, Inventor of TV Instant Replay for Live Sports has died at Age 81
His funeral is on at 11.30, then 12.30 and for those who missed it, 1.30.

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What’s the difference between Cinderella and princess Diana?
Cinderella’s carriage didn’t turn into a wall at midnight.

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If you’re ever feeling down on yourself and need a bit of a pick up, park your car in a disabled bay and stand next to it.
Everyone will tell you there’s nothing wrong with you.

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I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like hеll and then slide on your knees.
However, I didn’t anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife’s coffin!

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I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.

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A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.
Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying ‘Sorry you were out’.

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Alfred is at his wife’s funeral when the carriers are leaving the church with the coffin. Upon getting to the door, they accidentally run into the frame and they hear a moan from the coffin. Surprisingly, the wife is alive. Alfred smiles and hugs her and they leave the church together.
22 years later, the wife dies again and at the same church, the same carriers are leaving with the coffin. Just as they get to the door, Alfred shouts out “Watch that fсuкing door frame!”

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ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

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“Well nan, ” I said, “this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? ”
“Will you fuск of and let me visit your granddads grave in peace, ” she shouted.

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My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.

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My grandad is up with all the new trends, he’s been doing the mannequin challenge for three weeks straight now.

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I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.

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Love is like Heaven... It makes me wish I was dead.

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I am an agent of Sатаn, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

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