Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

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I woke up this morning beside myself with joy.
Time to increase my schizophrenia medication, I think.

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I’ve been waiting 5 hours for my granddad to put on his hulk outfit for a fantasy themed fancy dress party, I’ve finally walked into his room to see what the hold up was, and he’s lying on his bed, blue in the face, I think he’s going as an avatar.

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

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I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together.
I asked one of them, ‘What the hеll is going on?’
He said, ‘First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club’

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I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”

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The inventor of the red card has died…
He had a good send off.

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It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

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The inventor of the mouse has died.
What vision, to know we’d need one hand free on the computer.

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The surgeon said to me, “Do you have a dog?”
I said, “Yes, why?”
He said, “If I can’t save your leg, do you want me to keep the воnе for him?”

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“Good morning, class. Today we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word ‘cancer’?”
“I can, Sir!”

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Don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you really Feel, because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

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I really hate having bi-polar, it’s brilliant!

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The inventor of the urinаl deodoriser block has died.
Long may he rest in рiss.

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My mum asked me to buy some flowers for my Grandad who recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
Apparently buying a bunch Forget Me Not was insensitive.

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“What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”

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Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.

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I told the medium that my wife had died in a horrific traffic accident, when she’d walked out after we’d had a row.
For half an hour we sat there in silence, watching the ouija board.
“That’ll be £50 please,” she said.
“But nothings happened,” I replied.
“Well obviously, she’s still not talking to you,” said the medium, “Now, that’ll be £50.”

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

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