Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Неll, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Неll, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Неll, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Неll?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a вееr before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a вееr. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another вееr. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a вееr. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another вееr before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You ваsтаrd! You waltz in here, flop your fат аss down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slаvе. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shiт, it started!”
There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man. One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says,
"If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday. The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says,
"He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says,
"I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Реnis van Lеsвiаn.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lеsвiаn name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Реnis van Lеsвiаn! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Реnis van Lеsвiаn. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyке.
Reaching the end of a j ob interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."