Work Jokes, Office Jokes

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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

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What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

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Definition of a Lawyer:
A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.

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Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with.

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What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and a generalized joke about Lawyers?
One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke!!

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Q: Did you hear about the logger that went to Alaska?
A: He came back a husky f**ker.

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Q: What's the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a соndом factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

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The Mathematics of Love.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

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A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

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"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the мurdеr scene."
"Dаммiт!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

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What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

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A man goes to his doctor's office to get his реnis enlarged.
The doctor comes in with a tray of penises, and the man says, ''You got any вiggеr ones?'' The doctor comes in with another tray, but the man still wants something вiggеr. The doctor comes in with yet another tray, and the man finally says, "I'll take one of those. But do you have any in white?"

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Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
A: Won't happen - there are some things even a pig won't do.

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A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."
And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

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Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up.
The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top! The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on bottom. The blonde grabbed her head between her hands.
"Oh, сrар! Puppies."

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What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Skeet.

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A dying man gives each of his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

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