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If you can't decide between running and eating chocolate, run to the store for some chocolate.
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What should you call an absolutely average potato?
A commentator.
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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building:
“Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
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The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.
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I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
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Do you know the difference between a living room and a bathroom?
- [No] -
No? Oh, I don’t even want to know what your place looks like.
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In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to me.
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College is really just kidnapping done backwards.
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.”
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“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
Captain:
“I have an idea. Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”
(True story of the Titanic)
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If somebody calls you ugly, you can just say, “You’ve mistaken me for your mirror again, didn’t you?
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Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.
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A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries:
“I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”
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What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?
Microwaves.
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What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not touch.”
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Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father:
“If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
Son:
“And what does that mean?”
Father:
“You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”
Son:
“And cautious?”
Father:
“Never make any promises.”
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Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!”
I see “Buy eight beers, get twelve!”
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A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds, shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all alone?”
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What’s the difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
One is an optical illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
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