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A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

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One shop owner asks another:
“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

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Two men walk in the jungle. One has a gun on his back and the other one a big rock. The one with the rock asks the other man:
“Why do you have a gun on your back?”
“When a wild animal comes, I can defend myself. And what about you, why the rock?”
The guy with the rock smiles proudly:
“When a wild animal comes, I can throw the rock away and run much faster!”

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“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you? ” asks a doctor his patient.
“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

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I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window.
Backwards.

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Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

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In a shoe shop:
- These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
- Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart аss asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet. ”

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What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

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Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
Insanitea

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I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach.
I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.

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Last words of a skydiver?
Oh сrар, those annoying clothes moths!!!

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Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden:
“Adam, do you desire me and me only? ”
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

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I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

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"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

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Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?

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Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you sтuрid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “омg is that a real gun? ”

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Conductor on a train:
“But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”
“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

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