Attitude Jokes

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Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

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If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.

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That whole "letting go" of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss.

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It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.

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What is the difference between Scientology and Christianity? People don't believe in scientology.

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3-year-old: What's a swear word?
Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.
3:
Me:
3: Is my middle name a swear word?

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.

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I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy.

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I can't decide which room not to clean first.

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Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!

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Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shiт.

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The grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with вullshiт.

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My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

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Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

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How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

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I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"

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