Attitude Jokes

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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.

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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about.

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The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

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Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?

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I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

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No Déjà vu please... I Don't want to go through that again

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I don't like telling dairy jokes 'cause they're always too cheesy.

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Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

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Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

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When my boss asked me who is the sтuрid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire sтuрid people.

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If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

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"What else can we think about?"
- Insomnia

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I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

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Here, you can always find a party. Where I come from, the Party can always find you.

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They said too much of everything is bad... But too much of goodness ain't bad?

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Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

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The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

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