Attitude Jokes

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All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

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I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

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Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

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You can't have everything, where would you put it?

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If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

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I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.

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I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you.

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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

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I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

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When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

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All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.

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How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

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I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

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It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?

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My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.

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If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.

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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

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