Attitude Jokes

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To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fат, that is so female…

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When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

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How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

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I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the вееr into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

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Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.

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THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

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Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"

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If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends - they might not give you a chance to change your mind…

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I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.

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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

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A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

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I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sеx before marriage.

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The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.

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Magician: I need a volunteer.
[man stands]
Not you.
[woman stands]
Not you. GARY GET UP HERE!
[Gary goes up]
We've never met before, right?

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Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.

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Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

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Sеx is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

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If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

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