Attitude Jokes

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I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again.

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Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

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Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

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You're not sure - outrun and make sure.

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A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

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I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!

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You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

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Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."

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Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

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Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

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Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

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I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers.

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Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

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You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

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