Attitude Jokes

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There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!

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Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

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The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

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Me: Let's stay in bed. Me also: Good idea.

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At Comic Соn, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.

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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

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I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

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There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

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To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.

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My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.

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If a stranger offers you a piece of candy... Take two.

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You're about as useful as a bucket without a bottom.

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I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!

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I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.

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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather. I am wearing a house.

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I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

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You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hеll in hеll without you!

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