Attitude Jokes

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Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother... Hmmm, I see him everyday

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I became a vegetarian - switched to wееd.

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If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.

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Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry…

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Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shiт out of you just now.

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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

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Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not sсrеwеd on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.

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Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

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Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

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I'm a people person, but from a distance.

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I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a вiggеr screen.

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I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

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Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

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Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

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They lie about marijuana:
"Marijuana makes you unmotivated." Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fuскing effort. There's a difference.

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I'd pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

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The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

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