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A little girl walked in on her brother showering and she asked "what is that" he said "this is bob" the next day the boy woke up in the hospital and asked his mom what happened. The mom said ask his sister. She said "I was playing with bob last night he quirted white stuff in my mouth so i choped his head off

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An auto mechanic received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation:
"Remove bowling ball from trunk".

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Just failed my driving test. Apparently when then instructor said “Wait till I hit my dashboard” he wasn’t talking about his face.

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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

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I’m a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life.
Then I thought to myself, I don’t need to get a life, I’m a gamer so I have lots of lives.

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Pat and Мiск have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Мiск he is dismissed. Why? asks Мiск. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Мiск looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”

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I decided to write a book but was told if it's an informational book I'd need to be an authority on the subject.
In thinking about this for weeks I decided to write a book about "How Not to Do Things"... I'm pretty much an authority on that subject!

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied:
"I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said:
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied:
"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said:
"Watson, you idiот, it means that somebody stole our tent."

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One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.
It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.
She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.
She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

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"If you put your hand in your right pocket and found 25 rupees, and put your hand in the left pocket and found 50 rupees, what would you do?"
"I would immediately rush to my tailor and ask him to stitch more pockets on my trousers!"

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A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

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Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.

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Maybe we'd still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

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*goes online shopping*
*puts everything i want in a cart*
*checks subtotal*
*laughs and closes tab*

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I’ve just rang babestation and the girl on the other end went “Ooh, hello hun. What can I do for you?”
I said, “Fuскing call me back its cheaper!”
==

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What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Why did the cook get fired from his job?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream.

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