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Running away doesn't help you with your problems...unless you're fат.

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Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "аss" into the same word twice.

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!"

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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

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My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

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Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

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15 years ago, the Internet was an escape from the real world.
Today the real world is an escape from the Internet.

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A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fат black guy is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
"You can't say that over the radio!", replies the operator, "you have to use politically correct terminology."
"OK", he says:
"Zulu....Tango....Sierra!"

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I earn a five-figure month salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

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A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”
The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

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One shop owner asks another:
“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

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Two men walk in the jungle. One has a gun on his back and the other one a big rock. The one with the rock asks the other man:
“Why do you have a gun on your back?”
“When a wild animal comes, I can defend myself. And what about you, why the rock?”
The guy with the rock smiles proudly:
“When a wild animal comes, I can throw the rock away and run much faster!”

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“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you? ” asks a doctor his patient.
“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

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I thought the wind settled down a bit so we could go for a walk.
Then a crow flew past my window.
Backwards.

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Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

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In a shoe shop:
- These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
- Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart аss asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet. ”

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What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

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