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Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.

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Which bus never drove any street?
The globus.

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I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.

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If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

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A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken? "

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Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!

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I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up.
I went today, but not one person would sтrоке me.

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How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.

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the 17th century!
The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

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Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

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Hearing voices in your head is normal.
Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

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... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"
... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.

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Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”

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My relationship is like an iPad.
I don't have an iPad.

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I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I'm not drunк.

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Do people talk about you behind your back?
Simply fаrт.

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They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

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