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That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having fасiаl spasms.

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Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past.
The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”

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I found the perfect new super hero name for me:
Irony Man

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“A vоdка please!”
“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”

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An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suск the chocolate around them."

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An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled :
– “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

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One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.

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Long-term marriage? That means that when your wife asks you to sтriр, it’s more likely that she’s trying to fill up the space in the washing machine than anything else.

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A man looks at himself in the mirror: “1 inch more and I’d be a king.”
The mirror replies: “1 inch less and you’d be a queen.”

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A little boy, already tucked in bed, asks his daddy to please leave the light on.
“But why? Such a big boy?”
“I’m afraid of the dark, daddy…”
“Now that’s just racist, son!”

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Why is the banana crooked?
So it would fit in the peel, which is also crooked…

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(You): Do you wipe your вuтт with your right or your left hand?
(Victim): With my right hand.
(You): That’s disgusting. I use toilet paper.

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People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.”
I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”

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I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know the ваsтаrds deserved it.

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One prison guard to the other: “Have you heard that prisoner 234 broke out yesterday?!”
The other guard: “Thank goodness. Finally the hammering racket stops.”

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Have you seen those weird clowns that hide away from ugly people?
No, sorry, of course you haven’t.

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He: “When I see a sтuрid face I have to laugh.”
She: “Doesn’t that make shaving yourself kind of difficult?”

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no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

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