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Mr. and Mrs. Blane are going to the theater. They’re waiting at the cashdesk and finally there’s only one couple in front of them. The man says to the cashier, “Tristan and Isolde. Two tickets, please.”
Mr. Blane waits his turn and says to the cashier, “Harlan and m’lovely wife Jennys. Two tickets also, please.”

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An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.
Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.
If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”

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Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize рот!

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Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?

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An American businessman comes to a Swiss bank in Zurich with a suitcase, shades and a shifty expression.
“I’d like to deposit some money, please.”
“Excellent, sir. How much would you like to deposit?”
The guy whispers, “Four million.”
The clerk smiles kindly, “No need to whisper, sir. In Switzerland, there’s no shame to being a bit poor.”

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America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.

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For an embarrassingly long time I'd ben putting golf ваlls in the same category as athlete’s foot.

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She was crying.
He sat down by her.
He gently wiped away her tears.
Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.

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Here’s my step ladder. I’ve never met my biological ladder.

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I think my wife is cheating on me.
She said she’s going for a run – but there’s nothing on her Instagram!

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If your friend asks for some of your сhiрs, you can reply: There’s no 'we' in сhiрs.

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That moment when you add twenty one products into your basket but then you decide to shop on another web site because you're unhappy that they charge five dollars sending fee.

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A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!

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The wife sighs contentedly at the dinner table, “I’m no Michelin star chef, but there are two things I really excel at and that's meatloaf and strudel!”
The husband inspects the contents of his plate and asks, “And which of those is this?”

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A guy loses an argument against his older sister and tells her she’s adopted.
The sister smirks, “Yeah, well at least they wanted me.”

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My husband told me I should put a bit more salt in the stew next time.
I’m torn now whether to tell him that it was actually leftover dog food that I’d put in the fridge.

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Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian вееr, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you rest on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

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A true Englishman can actually differentiate at least 805 shades of grey.

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