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What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A cashew.

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A very panicky Emma bursts into her brother’s bedroom and shakes him awake, “Jeremy, come quick, there’s a mouse squeaking under my bed!!!!”
Jeremy yawns, “and what the heck should I do? Oil it?!”

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Why did the bee marry?
He’s finally found his honey.

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It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire. They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the аssаulт only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: “These dаrn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“

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What is black – white – black – white – black – white?
A реnguin rolling down a mountain!

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Daddy, why is the sky so high?
So the birds wouldn’t hit their heads all the time, darling.

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Why do dolphins swim in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze.

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A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Could you please prescribe me something against my headaches?”
“OK,” says the doctor, “take this and come back in two weeks.”
After two weeks, the lady is back and complains, “I’m sorry doctor. I’ve been using this for the past two weeks, I followed the instructions on the package – but nothing happened.”
The doctor is concerned, “That’s unusual Mrs Grimky, what were the instructions exactly?”
“Well, keep the lid tightly sсrеwеd on at all times.”

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Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?
Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.
Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?
Man: No, I’m a barber.

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A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U. S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U. S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

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I just came back from a court. They charged the guy with bringing his own bag of candy, popcorn and soda to the cinema.
It’s really unjust that he lost. Eventually he had to pay the court fees and legal counsel. At least he’ still a few dollars in the black compared to having bought all that at the cinema.

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Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

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A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

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I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better.

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If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

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A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t have gone very far with an empty tank.”

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