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What do you call a bee that makes milk? ВООВIЕS!

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Coach: There's no I in team
Me: But there's an M and an E
Coach: .....
Me: Exactly

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I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

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Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.

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What kind of shoes does a реdорhilе wear?
White vans

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Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

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Why did the мidgет get kicked out of the bar?
Because when it came time to pay, he came up short.

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Two old ladies, Mary and Martha met in the town, "Mary, how was the weather on your week's holiday".
"Oh not so bad it only rained twice, Once for four days and once for three"

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A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said,
"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

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One day Bin Laden went to a fortuneteller and asked her when will I die. She replied: You will die on an American holiday. So he asks which American holiday and she says it doesn’t matter. When you die it will be an American holiday.

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I just got grounded heres hat happened me and my mom got into a fight and she said son of a b*tch and i said hеll yeah i am kickass if you get it

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Why does a scuba diver fall off the boat backwards?
Because if he fell frontwards he'd still be in the boat!

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What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stay up all night and wonder if there's a DOG.

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Three guys were stranded in a desert, an american an arab and an indian. They were thirsty and hungry and started loosing hope of survival. As they were walking in the heat they saw an old abandoned car.
They ran to it and the American straight away popped the hood and ripped out radiator telling the other two : whenever im thirsty ill have a sip of water from this.
Next the indian rips off a seat from the car saying: whenever i get tired of walking, ill rest on this seat.
Finally, The arab looks around and suddenly rips the door off.
The other two confused ask him " how is that supposed help you here?"
Arab: whenever i feel hot, ill roll down the window

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If I get 5 kickass i will kikll them

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One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay:
"Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion".

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My favorite way to de-clutter my space is to hold every item I own. If it does not bring me any joy, I toss it out.
So far I have thrown out all my vegetables, my electrical bill, a scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

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A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie’s chair.
“Ah, Suzie, why didn’t you put your hand up?”
“I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fuскing fingers.”

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