A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my реnis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my воовs too small?"
"No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them вiggеr, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests.
For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her воовs several times a day, but sees no results.
"Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?"
"Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your аss all these years and that's getting вiggеr."
An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a checkup. She says, "Doctor, I haven't had sеx for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sеx drive."
The doctor asks, "Have you tried to give him Viаgrа?"
The lady frowns. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache."
The doctor says, "Crush the Viаgrа into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it in. He won't notice a thing."
Weeks later the old lady returns. The doctor asks, "How did it go?"
"Terrible, doctor, terrible. I did as you said, and he got up and ripped his clothes off right there. We made mad love on the table, and it was the best sеx I've had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem?"
"Well," she says. "I can't ever show my face in the diner again."