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  2. Partying & Bad Behavior

Partying & Bad Behavior

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One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone must find out a moral for the next day's class.One boy came in and said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
The second boy said, "Don't judge a book by it's cover."
Then Adam came in with a broken jaw and black eyes and said, "I asked my Uncle Johnny for a moral and he told me to shut up. I told him he had to help me because it was homework." The teacher said, "What is the moral, Johnny?"
"DON''T MESS WITH UNCLE JOHNNY WHEN HE'S DRINKING!!!''
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No, really, I'm OK to drive.- I'm wasted, but I'm too embarrassed to have anybody see who I'm taking home with me."I'm not used to these darts."
- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I'm this bombed."You get this one, next round is on me."
- One of us is going to pass out before it's time for another round. "I've had like 10 beers already."
- I've only had three beers, but I need an excuse to behave this way."I'm out of here. I have to work in the morning."
- I owe $100 to the guy who just walked in the door and I've been avoiding him since football season."What do you have on tap?"
- What's cheap?
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Q: What did the bartender say to his customers?
A: "Men, Viаgrа now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one."
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A ventriloquist had just finished his роlаск joke routine when a huge, drunк роlаск confronted him, ''I'm sick of your роlаск jokes and I'm going to knock the s**t out of you.
'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the comedian. The роlаск retorted, ''I was talking to the little a**hole on your knee."
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A shipment of Viаgrа was hijacked on the way to the depot.
The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
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Q: What happens when you mix Viаgrа with Mr. Clean?
A: Rise and shine.
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A Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"
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A Horse Walks Into a Bar...
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs through the halls of the asylum. An orderly asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.
When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm sсrеwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants.
The barman looks at him curiously and says, ''Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?'' The man answers, ''Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day.''
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An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a вееr that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a рооf sound and on the bar is a bottle of вееr. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
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Most women know that, next to diamonds and D size batteries, a gаy man is a woman's best friend.
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A man walks out of a bar totally hammered and runs into by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him and says, "You, sir, are drunк!" He retorts, "And you, ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
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Women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunк.
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psychopath.
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