Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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This morning I found a fly on my toilet seat. …
It was рissеd off.

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I’m going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say “This is Sparta.”

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My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding….
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

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My Calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side…..it still works

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Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, ‘Wow, what a counter attack.’

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Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog - it croaks every night.

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If you were 8 years old when “red, red wine” was released UB40 now.

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Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer:
“Name?”
German:
“Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer:
“Age?”
German:
“31”
Police officer:
“occupation?”
German:
“No, no. Just visiting”

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Воовs!"

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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go Beep Beep!

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot is caught in the door!

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What do you give a deaf fisherman? A herring aid.

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Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine.

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Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?
Because he has no Seoul.

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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

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