Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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"May I borrow your pen?"
"No, these are my special pens, and this is my second to last one"
"What's so special about them?"
"They are my ultimate writing instrument. I usually use them to keep track of the score in ultimate frisbee. Plus, they have famous people on them."
"Who is that?"
"That's Sean Penn. He's my favorite actor."
"Where did you get them?"
"At the University of Pennsylvania."
"Oh, I see. So that is your penultimate Penn ultimate Penn pen."

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The shortest word play joke ever. Dwarf shortage.

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Why did the skeleton go to the funeral alone? Because he couldn't find anybody to go with him.

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What are the best kind of letters to read in hot weather? Fаn mail.

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Why did the sailor grab a piece of soap when he was sinking? So he could wash himself ashore.

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Where in L. A. can a deer hunter find does in season year round?
Venison Beach

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What kind of man is a mushroom? He's a fun guy!

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Why is it useless telling a shop keeper to be quiet?
Because they don't shut up until the end of the day.

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A fancy Alaskan restaurant invited a world famous chef to be a guest cook. Although the chef was renowned for his spectacular recipes, one customer asked him to prepare a local favorite: whale meat. Try as he might, everything the chef sent out just was not edible. The customer finally stormed back to the kitchen to berate the chef. The embarrassed chef offered to cook a meal of his finest recipes for the customer at no charge. After over an hour of preparation, the chef delivered to the diner the most magnificent gastronomic feast he had ever tasted. As he was leaving the restaurant, the satiated customer was overheard saying, "Well, that will teach me to never judge a cook by his blubber."

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Here is a hipster pick up line. Hey girl, is that an original Yo La Tengo 7" in your pants? Because your вuтт is extremely valuable.

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My little sister started to choke and my mom told me to heater in the back.

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There are two eggs walking to an intersection. When they meet at the middle, one egg says to the other egg. Eggcuse me!

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I don’t know if my ceiling is the best ceiling, but it’s definitely up there.

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My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions.
So I had to put my foot down.

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Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an “Oasis.” …
That’s where the Arab boys go to eat their dates.

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I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals… fсuкing livid

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My wife has eczema on her Воовs.
She has a cracking pear of Тiтs.

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When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me ваng them as long as it wasn’t after midnight.
They always slept better after being banged.

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