Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me ваng them as long as it wasn’t after midnight.
They always slept better after being banged.

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Me:
- ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ?
I’m a bit worried how full of Shiт some people are !”

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I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She’s a bit clingy.

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Whose the most vague person in the Military ?
General Direction.

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I was arrested yesterday for stealing helium balloons.
The police held me for a while then let me go..

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.
You know, to make it more classy.

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Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?
They have just endured a March of 31 days!

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Big explosion in a paint factory tonight, 10 people missing, presumed red.

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What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician ?
Sherlock Ohms

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I just found out I’m going to be a Father.
I passed my priest exam.

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My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people’s ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject’s memory.
Why didn’t I think of that?

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When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. …
… The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.

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I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier.
Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.

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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?
A condescending соn descending.

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I’ve decided to put a sundial in my back garden.
Just for old times sake.

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A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning.
Big mistake.

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I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me.
I didn’t really paint a good picture of myself.

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A woman asks her husband, “Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?” …
…
“Pi,” said her husband. …
…
“Oh!” she replied “That’s interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?” …
…
“Yes,” he said. “But I was thinking that Pi is irrational, darling.”

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