Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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Me:
- ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ?
I’m a bit worried how full of Shiт some people are !”

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I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.
She’s a bit clingy.

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My friend sent me a blank email.
His message was clear.

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I was arrested yesterday for stealing helium balloons.
The police held me for a while then let me go..

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.
You know, to make it more classy.

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Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?
They have just endured a March of 31 days!

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Big explosion in a paint factory tonight, 10 people missing, presumed red.

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What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician ?
Sherlock Ohms

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I just found out I’m going to be a Father.
I passed my priest exam.

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My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people’s ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject’s memory.
Why didn’t I think of that?

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When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. …
… The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day.

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I wish I’d never written it, but finally I have finished my book about regret.

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What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?
A condescending соn descending.

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I’ve decided to put a sundial in my back garden.
Just for old times sake.

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A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning.
Big mistake.

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I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me.
I didn’t really paint a good picture of myself.

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A woman asks her husband, “Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?” …
…
“Pi,” said her husband. …
…
“Oh!” she replied “That’s interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?” …
…
“Yes,” he said. “But I was thinking that Pi is irrational, darling.”

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The battle had gone on for years between all comers over “The Best Thing….”
Since sliced bread had held the challenge for so long, no one thought it could ever be vanquished, until some challengers came along. The finalists included the wonderful sugar wall of the рussy and sanitary napkins and tampons….
Men everywhere universally agreed that the рussy was “the best thing,” so it became a battle between the cotton products, (the Translyvania Teabags.) …
It was decided that the sanitary napkin was in second place … “It was not the best thing in the world but it was right next to it.” …
The тамроn was able to pull a few strings to win third place:
“We may not be the best thing in the world but we’re right up there.”

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