Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?
By the skin of their teeth.

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I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the тамроn factory where he works.
“There’s no openings at the moment,” he said, “but I’ll see if I can pull some strings.”

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A homeowner phones a plumber, "Can you come over and fix my kitchen sink again?"
The plumber replied, "You know I'm always at your disposal."

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Why are Suicide Bombers always angry ?
Because of their Short Fuses.

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Just found out that my sеxy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football.
She’s a keeper.

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The boss at work is forcing us all to use the toilet only at designated times. It’s my turn to go now..
I don’t need this shiт!

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I Used To Date a Girl in a Wheelchair …
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Man, she really fell for me! …
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Things didn’t go well one time when I stood her up. …
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I didn’t worry about the time I stole her wheelchair, though… I was pretty sure she would come crawling back to me.

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I thought violins were tuned in fifths, but they don’t make fifths any more. …
So I asked a violinist:
“Tell me… do they tune violins in 750ml now?”

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After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.
I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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“This is groundbreaking stuff.” - Inventor of the shovel

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I avoid clichés like the plague.

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Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a ‘magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sеx with me.
Worked like a fuскing charm.

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I went to see my Dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday. The guy standing in for him refused to do it.
He said he was only filling in.

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What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?
Igloos it back together.

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A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian:
“They’re right behind you!”

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A pessimist is someone who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

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I went to a bingo hall last night.
It was good seeing some old faces.

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I’ve been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won’t rest until I find it.

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