Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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The battle had gone on for years between all comers over “The Best Thing….”
Since sliced bread had held the challenge for so long, no one thought it could ever be vanquished, until some challengers came along. The finalists included the wonderful sugar wall of the рussy and sanitary napkins and tampons….
Men everywhere universally agreed that the рussy was “the best thing,” so it became a battle between the cotton products, (the Translyvania Teabags.) …
It was decided that the sanitary napkin was in second place … “It was not the best thing in the world but it was right next to it.” …
The тамроn was able to pull a few strings to win third place:
“We may not be the best thing in the world but we’re right up there.”

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How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?
By the skin of their teeth.

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I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the тамроn factory where he works.
“There’s no openings at the moment,” he said, “but I’ll see if I can pull some strings.”

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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny воnе. I was in stitches for two weeks.

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Why are Suicide Bombers always angry ?
Because of their Short Fuses.

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Just found out that my sеxy new girlfriend stays in shape by playing football.
She’s a keeper.

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The boss at work is forcing us all to use the toilet only at designated times. It’s my turn to go now..
I don’t need this shiт!

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I Used To Date a Girl in a Wheelchair …
…
Man, she really fell for me! …
…
Things didn’t go well one time when I stood her up. …
…
I didn’t worry about the time I stole her wheelchair, though… I was pretty sure she would come crawling back to me.

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I thought violins were tuned in fifths, but they don’t make fifths any more. …
So I asked a violinist:
“Tell me… do they tune violins in 750ml now?”

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After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.
I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

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“This is groundbreaking stuff.” - Inventor of the shovel

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I avoid clichés like the plague.

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My Russian mate does not care about anyone.
His name is Yukanol Fukov.

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I went to see my Dentist to have a tooth pulled, but he was on holiday. The guy standing in for him refused to do it.
He said he was only filling in.

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What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?
Igloos it back together.

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A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian:
“They’re right behind you!”

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A pessimist is someone who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

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I went to a bingo hall last night.
It was good seeing some old faces.

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