Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I’ve been searching for my stolen bed.
And I won’t rest until I find it.

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.
I just wanted to clear that up.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

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I inherited a million dollars from a wealthy uncle. Charities got wind of my newfound wealth and being a generous chap, I am giving one quarter of it to the Boy Scouts, one quarter of it to my church, one quarter of it to the Red Cross, and another quarter to United Way.
I’ll still have $999,999.00 to spend and invest.

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My wife said there’s no way in hеll she’d ever do doggie style.
I went behind her her back and did it anyway.

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My wife’s pregnant. She wondered if it’s really hot in there for the baby. …. …
-
I said, “It’s likely wомв-temperature.”

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S ix months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter’s outfit.
“Arnold!” she cried. “Come closer and speak to me!”
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, “I can’t. It’s not my table.”

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I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.
I had to turn it down.

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.
I think that says alot.

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A man walks into a bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?”
“Of course, Sir, which one?”
The man replies, “William.”

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A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies,
"Isn't it obvious? It's our seal of approval."

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I work as a waiter.
The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

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My Neighbors little son asked me where you find giant snails?
I tried to blind him with science.
“Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …”
Turns out the answer was ‘On giant’s fingers’.

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Why are photographers always so depressed?
Because they always focus on the negatives.

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, “Morning.”He replied, “No, just having a shiт.”

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The Daffy Dictionary
Straw Poll (n.)
Something you find on an aroused scarecrow.

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Can clocks keep secrets?
Time will tell.

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Роор jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes…
…but they’re a solid number two.

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