Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I never thought I’d buy into Feng Shui.
But oh how the tables have turned.

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For Sale : Crystal Ball
Cant see any future in keeping it

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Me and the wife had a argument about what desserts to have, it turned into a custardy battle.

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Charlie Brown, Lucy, and Linus started their own business...
However, no one wants to come work for them because no one wants to work for Peanuts.

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I’ll never forget the first piece of advice my parents gave me when I was young:
“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…”
It got me far

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There was a farmer in the field with his cows and he counted 196 of them... but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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A man walks into a library and says
“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

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Last Christmas I bought my mother-in-law a Jack Daniels t-shirt having previously told me she enjoyed encounters with spirits.
She looked angry and said “I’m a medium”
Bullshit!! XXL fit her perfect!

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So, the courtroom bailiff makes the morning announcement:
“All rise! Hear ye, Hear ye, The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the honorable Judge Calhoun Brown presiding. All who have business before this Court approach the bench and be heard.”
The lawyer and his client stand before the imposing judge in his black robe.
Judge Calhoun: What’s yo’ name, boy?
Defendant: Joshua, yo’ Honor.
Judge Calhoun: Joshua? Is you de Joshua in de Bible dat made de sun stand still?
Defendant: No suh. Ah’s de Joshua who made de moonshine still.

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I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies.
She’ll have a fit when she finds out.

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“Sugar” is the only word in the English language where “su-” makes a “sh” sound.
At least, I’m pretty sure…

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Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
I think I’ll return the piece of shiт to Ikea!

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Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It’s an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens…

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“Any two-watt bulbs?”
“For what?”
“That’ll do. I’ll take two.”
“Two what?”
“I thought you didn’t have any.”
“Any what?”
“Yes, please.”

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I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.
Just ice was served.

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A security camera caught a couple having sеx in an elevator. …. They got off on the eighth floor…. then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

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The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken вrеаsтs and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," she said,
"I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system... "Will the gentleman who was looking for вiggеr вrеаsтs please meet me at the back of the store."

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I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert.
I don’t understand why, I’m always hard at work.

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