Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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My girlfriend is the square root of -100 …
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A “10,” but imaginary

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Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

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I work in a bar called Advice.
I get really good tips.

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*man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry*
*policeman informs family*
“There’s no easy way to say this”…

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I saw a Broadway show about puns... It was the ultimate play on words.

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I used to be in a band called ‘Cheap Viаgrа’.
We didn’t make it very big.

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I just discovered the opposite of an оrgаsм. It was such an anti сliмаx.

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A woman walks into a library and says to the bloke behind the counter, “Have you got any books on the female сliтоris?”
The bloke says, “Yes we have madame, but I don’t know where they are.”

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“I can see for miles.”
Said Miles’s guide dog, quite unexpectedly.

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I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped … I wanted to be ruthless

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I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo.
I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.

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To make it safer to use the mobile phone when I’m driving, I’ve deleted all my German male contacts.
I now completely Hans free.

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Sometimes I feel like no one understands me- not even Siri. I dictated a text, on my phone, to my daughter. I said "Mom and I have been praying for you lately."
But when I checked it, I found that it read, "Mom and I have been praying for you lightly." Yeah we didn't want to overdo it or anything.

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I didn't know that I had dyslexia, until I accepted an invitation to a TOGA party.... and arrived dressed as a GOAT.

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I poured root вееr in a square glass… …
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Now I just have вееr.

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The Arabian inventor of the bullet proof vehicle died today.
R. I. P Ahmed Carr

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Daffy-nition for indefinitely… ….
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Indefinitely (adv.) In • def • in • it • lee …. ….
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When your ваlls are slapping up against her аss you’re in definitely!

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Pig 1: Why don't we ask him to sit with us?
Pig 2: No way, he is quite the Boar!

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