Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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My best friend dared me to take a shiт on an electrified train track.
That’s the last time I put my аrsе on the line.

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There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking… the result was staggering.

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What has an American police officer and Ronnie O’Sullivan got in common?
Average shot time is only sixteen seconds. Less on the black.

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Gee, there are a lot of hitchhikers out today… …
Hey, there’s a вrаssiеrе by the side of the road.
Should I give those two a lift?

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I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn’t know how to react.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.
Ian

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My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday:
It begins with a ‘D’
It vibrates
It’s a girl’s best friend
I’m pretty certain I know exactly what she’s getting at.
A new dishwasher.

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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
…and as you can see, they were Wright.

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Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

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I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.
One guy pushed the other and said, “Four, nine.”
The other man pushed him back and said, “Sixteen, twenty-five.”
A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, “I need some help at the door. We’ve got a couple of men squaring up.”

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A country boy lost his eye and his father whittled one for him out of wood. They lived in the woods and saw very few people. When the boy was 16 his parents insisted he go to the a dance especially for people with limitations. The boy didn’t want to go because he feared they would make fun of his wooden eye.
His parents convinced him it would be all right, so he went. The whole night he stayed in the shadows until at the very end he saw a girl in the corner who also hadn’t danced all night. He noticed her mouth ran from her nose to her сhin.
“Hmmmm. Certainly she won’t laugh at me.”
So he went over and asked if she would like to dance.
She shouted eagerly, “Would I! Would I!”
Shocked and hurt by her answer, the boy retaliated, “Harelip! Harelip!.”

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Raining cats and dogs today...
Stepping into many poodles as I'm walking towards the bus stop.

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman:
“Where’s the self-help section?”
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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I was told today that my muslim optician had passed away…. Asif Eyecare.

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I’m always frank with my sеxuаl partners.
Don’t want them knowing my real name!!

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Today I realised I really want to tie the knot with the missus.
Anyone know where I can find instructions for noose tying?

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I was an emotional Wedding.
Even the Cake was in Tiers.

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When the book of Revelations was written, the writer wrote that the end of the world would be signaled by trumpets. In fact, God had said Trump/Pence.

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