Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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***Рunny News Headlines***
Metal fans keep cool at concert...
Limbo dancers reach new low....
Lawyer loses his case- Finds it in Car....
Cellmates complete each other sentences...
Global explorer finds himself....
Missing link found online....

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In my office, I tried pushing the envelope…
But it’s still stationery.

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At school I had the nickname ‘Slugger’
I wasn’t hard or anything, I just used to pull the shells off snails.

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My best mate is called Tiba.
Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

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Hi and welcome to the hidden chair club.
Please find a seat.

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Why did the clock phone the ruler?
Because desperate times call for desperate measures….

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My girlfriend asked me the other day, “Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”
I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

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I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

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Despite getting A-Levels results of A,B,B,A, it seems no employer will take a chance on me.

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Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by setting it on fire?
If it burns, it’s a smart ant.
If it doesn’t, it’s retardant.

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You know many surnames are taken from jobs? … Taylor, Smith, Cooper, etc.? …
…
…
Man, am I glad my last name isn’t Dickinson!

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Dogs are the best. I have a lab.
It’s a метh lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

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Like many Paralympic competitors, I got involved in my sport by accident.

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How do you make a candle really happy…?
Blow it out, it’ll be delighted

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My dad never loved me as a child.
I can’t blame him really.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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I recently traced my family tree… It was easier, I’m ruввish at drawing.

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One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…..
“Sorry, my fault.”

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Do I agree that education is getting too expensive?
To a degree, yes.

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